


A Life so Perfect

by LavenderBoy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: "in due time" aka at chapter 100, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Biromantic Ace Evan, Bullying, Comfort/Angst, Depression, Evan and Connor centric, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gay Connor, High School, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Insomnia, Internalized Homophobia, Jared is a dick im so sorry, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nonbinary Character, Other, Panic Attacks, Pining, Questioning but definitely wlw Alana, Recovery, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Swearing, Trans Character, also Evan and Connor become friends really fast because??? yes., because i love suffering, but he shall be redeemed in due time, i may add tags later on, if even at chapter 100, im not the best at writing insomnia so if i get some things wrong please tell me!!!, pan zoe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-03-25 03:43:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13825749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LavenderBoy/pseuds/LavenderBoy
Summary: That day, during lunch, as he angrily typed away all his doubts, Evan Hansen knew he'd fucked up again. What he didn't know was that Connor Murphy was standing behind him, about to startle him.What a great way to start a friendship.





	1. You jumped the fence to the other side

Evan sat down with a small sigh in front of his laptop, connecting it to the printer. It had not been a good day so far, like the letter he'd written a day earlier had promised, but he definitely could not expect Connor pushing him- right? What if he should've expected that? Of all people, he should've known how easy it was for him to make others mad-

Not a good day indeed.

Opening a new document, he quickly typed in the words, "Dear Evan Hansen, the rest of today is going to be great, and here's why" then stopped. Sure, he was doing what his therapist had told him- "If a day starts off bad, maybe you could try writing another letter listing why it's gonna get better!"- but the letters hadn't really been helping, so why make more? He figured he'd just vent.   
  


_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Today hasn't started off good and here's why. Jared got mad at you, which made him get mad at Connor, and you laughed, like an idiot, and Connor pushed you, and honestly you deserved it. You were late to your first ever class of senior year and everyone thinks you don't care about school now, and nobody cares enough to find out if that's true, and who would, honestly? Nobody cared when you jumped off a tree, why should they care now. You should just find another tree when your stupid arms let y _ __   
  


"You didn't deserve it."

Evan jumped on his seat, froze for a second, then turned to see Connor reading his very visible letter.

"Shit- sorry if I-" Connor paused for a beat. "Sorry I startled you like that. Shouldn't have."

"I- it's um-" Evan's voice went what felt like a million octaves higher, and it would've gone up a million more, if his words didn't get stuck in his throat when he saw Connor's face drop, still reading the letter.

"W-wait- that's- that's personal, no- don't- don't read it- nononono-" He tried to cover the screen with his arms, but of course Connor didn't read as slowly as Jared did, and the damage was done.

The taller boy stared at the screen still, not reading, but processing, then his eyes went to Evan's panicked face, then back to the screen, then back to Evan, screen, Evan, and he finally tried to say something.

"Nobody’s… signed your cast yet? Do you want me to?"

Evan stared at him for a second, confused, which Connor seemed to take as a yes, since he started searching for a sharpie in his bag.

"You-you really don't- don't have to- ow!" Despite being tall and lanky, Connor was a bit forceful in his movements.

"Er- sorry!"

"It's- it's fine."   
  


So Evan ended up with someone finding out about his failed suicide attempt and someone signing his cast in huge letters, probably out of pity, and it didn't help that the someone was Connor Murphy.

And Connor Murphy was about to say something, but the bell rang, and Evan still hadn't gotten his things in his bag and was he really going to be late again?

"Guess I'll... see you around?" The taller boy smiled awkwardly.

"Er- sure."

"Great!" He waved and went off to class, while a still shaking Hansen was left in the computer lab, struggling to get his things in the bag properly.

Evan checked the clock before hurrying off to his next class. He was only three minutes late when he arrived, and the teacher was five minutes late, and thankfully the lesson started without trouble. What troubled him, though, was that when he finally got to go home, it was raining. He didn't have an umbrella, since he couldn't open one with his broken arm anyway and he definitely wasn't going to ask someone to open it for him, so he just sighed and protected his cast and himself from the rain as best as he could without looking weird.

Until a car stopped next to him in the oddly empty road.

"Hansen? What are you doing in the rain?" Great! Connor again.

"Uh- walk-walking home?"

"That's odd." What was odd? That question didn't have time to be pondered, because Connor dramatically ran a hand through his hair, "Want a ride?" and sent finger guns towards Evan, who snorted.

"If- If it's not too inconvenient, I'dlikethat."

"Come right in!" He unlocked the car's doors and Evan got in, trying his best to not get everything wet.

"I'll- I'll just, give you directions, I-I guess?"

Connor hummed a yes and the car ride was relatively peaceful.

"This is my- my house. Thank you so much!"

He received a smile. "Of course."

And with that, Evan got out and started walking towards his house, as Connor drove away.   
  


"Oh! You're home early!"

"Uh- yeah- Connor ga-"

"Connor?" Heidi had a bad habit of interrupting people when she was excited. "He also signed your cast! I'm so proud of you."

Evan thought better than mentioning what happened in the computer lab. "Uh- yeah, he signed it during lunch."

"That's great! Did anything else happen?"

"No, e-everything was pretty normal."

"That's still lovely."

To celebrate, they watched a movie together, but towards its end Heidi had to go. While she quickly got ready, she muttered multiple apologies, that her son dismissed with a "Don't worry mum, I-I understand." And with that, she rushed out to the front door, waving him goodbye. Before Evan could answer, she was already outside, and he sighed, putting the movie back on.

 

Evan stared blankly into his locker, his mind going through a million thoughts while not doing anything at the same time. He must've spaced out, because he nearly jumped when someone tapped his shoulder.

"Hey Evan!"

"Oh- he-hey, Zoe."

Zoe? Zoe Murphy was talking to him? Of course, with his luck, she talked to him after he'd stopped crushing over her.

"Er- I wanted to apologise on behalf of my brother, Connor, he pushed you yesterday, right?"

"Oh- nonono, he already apologised! During- during lunch, yeah."

"He did?" She looked at him for a second, probably wanting to question that further, but then smiled lightly. "Oh, that's really nice. Well, I gotta go now!"

"Uh- bye."

He was turning back to his locker, to actually get his stuff instead of staring at nothing, when someone walked up to him again.

"I see my sister was on you," Connor seemed a bit more sour than yesterday, but Evan could tell he was trying his hardest to not let that show. "For like, five seconds. Odd."

"Oh, yeah- she just, um, thought you didn't- apologise yesterday? I don't know wh-why she'd think that, but we sorted that out."

Connor raised an eyebrow. "Well, she seemed surprised, which is odd when I'm being discussed, but I'm not really complaining. By the way, on the topic of my family, my parents seemed really surprised that I can talk to people, so to prove that, want to come over at my house after school? We could watch a movie or... I don't know."

"Oh- definitely! I'd love that!"

Connor seemed to relax a bit. "Alright. See you in the parking lot after school?"

"Sure!"

Evan couldn't believe it. While Connor was obviously mad at- not Evan, although his brain seemed to disagree, he must've had some sort of liking towards him- you don't make plans with someone you hate, after all - they were going to hang out! He couldn't wait.   
  


His classes until lunch were exceedingly normal, and Evan found himself almost running to the computer lab to get his letter done, as he hadn't had the energy to do it that morning.   
  


_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Today is going to be a great day and here's why: you're going to hang out with Connor Murphy! You'll have a friend- or, someone who cares about you more than Jared does, at least. _ __   
  


"Is it fine if I eat lunch here with you? The cafeteria's not very relaxing." Connor was standing awkwardly at the doorway, as if on cue.

"Oh- yeah, sure! Just- just make sure everything's clean when we get out."

"Fair enough."

They stood in a comfortable silence, Evan typing away the rest of his letter, while the other boy read something on what appeared to be Tumblr.   
  


_ Which is nice! You'll have someone. Which is better than usual. _ __   
  


_ Sincerely, _

_ Me _

 

There was still quite some time left when they were done eating, so they talked a while, and somehow got to the topic of parents.

"Which reminds me- sorry I was kind of a dick this morning, my parents pissed me off. Which... isn't odd."

"It's fine, I- I get that."

"Also, if you don't mind, maybe we could hang out outside instead of at my house? Larry- my  _ dad _ \- is home today, which is as fun as opening an umbrella."

Evan raised an eyebrow. "Opening an umbrella?"

"Oh, I'll tell you that one this afternoon. It's a very long story." Connor grinned.

"Wow, mysterious."

"I need a personality to support my looks, after all."

They both laughed.   



	2. The things we'll do when we get out of school

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That day, after school, as he walked on a broken path of an abandoned orchard with Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen knew that it was going to be a good day. And nothing else was important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings!!! I'm sorry I'm only at the second chapter and tws already. But okay so:  
> I'll put a bolded warning before and after the triggering scene, with a summary of what happened.
> 
> -Bullying  
> -Graphic depiction of injury

_**TW: Bullying** _

Classes went by in a flash, and before he knew it, Evan was getting his things from his locker, preparing for the afternoon he'd been looking forward to all day. Just as he closed his locker, his face was against it, slammed there by an unknown hand.

"You sure do look quite excited." Lee. Of course it had to be Lee, the one day Evan was about to hang out with someone.

"I-I have to me-meet someone. Go-go away."

"Oh, you have friends now? Lovely. Why don't we show them what pathetic little bitch they're talking to?"

Evan's face got dragged away from the locker's metal, then was slammed onto it once more.

Why did this have to be so familiar?

"Where are they? I don't see them coming to rescue you!"

Lee was right- Connor probably was annoyed, or forgot, or just flat out was lying all day, for a joke.

"You can't fool me, Evan. I always know what you're up to. I know you more than anyone else, after all."

He did lie less to Lee than he did to his mother. How can you lie if you don’t speak?

His body was turned around harshly, his shoulders pinned to the lockers.

"Connor? What, Connor Murphy? That weirdo's probably into you. Wait, Kleinman didn't sign your cast? But I guess he was never your friend."

Right before Lee could start hitting, and right before Evan could start zoning out through it, someone got between them.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"Oh my- I was right! You're- you're friends with fucking Connor Murphy?"

"He sure is."

Before Evan could react, Connor threw Lee against the other row of lockers, then grabbed the smaller boy's wrist, careful of picking the healthy arm, and ran off.  


_**TW: Bullying - end. Summary: Evan is getting ready to meet Connor in the parking lot, but Lee stops him. Thankfully, Connor arrives just in time and the two run away.** _

 

Once they were in Connor's car, Evan started breathing again. Quickly, he secured the seatbelt, and the two rushed away from the school, without a word.

Sighing, he slumped on the seat, fidgeting with the seatbelt, eyes closed.

"Well, shit." Connor deadpanned, and Evan couldn't help but snort, because there was no better way to describe the situation.

After a few moments of comfortable silence, Connor spoke up again. "I was thinking of going to this abandoned orchard place, if that's fine with you?"

"A-abandoned?"

"Don't worry, they won't catch us. I've been there a million times. You'll love it."  


Evan... did love it. The trees, though obviously not taken care of, were still beautiful, and the leaves were starting to change colour, leaving the two friends in a yellowy green field. After Connor mentioned not knowing anything about trees, Evan couldn't resist dragging him around and showing him how each worked, how to recognise them, and extra fun trivia.  


"I would've never guessed you were so into trees! That's so odd."

"Do-don't call me out like that!"

"Alright, you get to call me out on something now."

Evan narrowed his eyes, deep in thought, before realising, "You-you say 'odd' a lot."

"You could say that's..."

"No-"

"...Odd?" Connor grinned, and the other boy couldn't help but laugh.

"Oh my God-"

"But it's oddly satisfying to say. You can't deny that!"

"I-I mean- you're- oddly right-" Evan managed to say, between laughter.

"See! I told you!" Now they were both laughing, and as they pulled themselves together, Evan saw Connor fix his hair, which reminded him of his mysterious looks, which, in turn-

"You still have to- to tell me that umbrella story."

"Hey! Don't call me out twice!" The mysterious boy chuckled, but gave in quickly.

_**TW: Graphic depiction of injury** _

"Well, I was ten, and as you know, ten year olds are fucking geniuses, and I was playing with a broken umbrella."

"Wow."

"I know! But yeah, I was doing that, and then I opened the umbrella, and- wait, it's kind of gross?"

"I can handle it!"

"Alright, but don't sue me if you're scarred for life. I opened the umbrella, and you know how there's... weird- sorry, I mean odd- little sticks inside the umbrella, to hold it up?"

Evan nodded, and Connor held his thumb near their faces. A small scar shaped like a square stood out, on the joint nearest to the nail.

"That must've hurt."

"Not really? I only really realised it hurt when I went back inside and my entire family was fucking shocked. And I mean, there was a ton of blood, so I can't really blame them?"

"I- I guess."

_**TW: Graphic depiction of injury - end. Summary: Connor tells Evan a story of when he got injured with an umbrella.** _

"Funny thing is, I didn't break a bone. I couldn't do anything for the month it was healing, though, and someone else had to write notes for me, help me pick up my backpack, and it was really fucking annoying. I guess you kinda get that too now?"

"Ki- kind of."

"Let's hope it doesn't start raining, because I am not opening an umbrella."

"We- we'll open one together. Team effort."

They laughed, and went on to explore the orchard further, and there was nothing that they couldn't discuss. Evan found out that both's favourite game was Life is Strange, though their preference in colour varied, Connor's being purple and Evan's being pastel blue.

"I really like how- how black nails look, though."

"Really? That's odd. You seemed more of a yellow nails kinda guy to me."

"Yeah, but they just look r-really cool."  


The car ride was peaceful, though Evan couldn't ignore the pain in his ribs. That morning he'd completely forgotten he was wearing a binder, and now his mistakes were haunting him, in a different way than usual. Maybe the car ride wasn't so peaceful.  


It still felt too soon when he found himself on his bed, an oversized sweater only slightly comforting him and Connor's phone number now saved in his contacts. He wished that day could've gone on for forever, him and Connor talking about everything, about their problems, about Life is Strange, about umbrellas, purple, pastel blue, trees, space… He told himself to stop daydreaming and started doing homework, which wasn’t much, since it hadn’t even been a week since school started. Thankfully, before he could start overthinking everything he’d said at the orchard, Heidi knocked at the door.  
  
“Evan? I just wanted you to know I’m home. I’ll study a bit, but tell me when you’re hungry?”   
“Uh- yeah, alright.”   
He knew he’d be assaulted with questions during dinner, so he just accepted his fate when, half an hour later, he sat with his mother, lukewarm pizzas between the two.

“So you hung out with Connor today! Is he nice?”  
“Yeah, he’s… not as bad as- as people always say.”   
“Oh, having rumors surrounding you is never fun. I hope he knows how to cope with that.”   
Evan hummed a yes. “He- he doesn’t deserve that.”   
“He really doesn’t.”

 

The next day, when Evan went to his locker, still wearing oversized clothing, he kept looking around the halls, nervous. Not to say that he normally wasn’t nervous, but this morning, he surely wasn’t calmer than usual. He kept glancing behind him as he moved his books in the small, metal space, so he wasn’t surprised when Jared came up to him.  
“What’s up with you? Did someone get murdered yesterday?”   
“No- I just… You know me.” He chuckled nervously, as he picked up his bag.   
“Ah. I was hoping you’d gone on a killing spree with Murphy yesterday, since I saw you two hang out.”   
Evan sighed. “You should r-really stop making these jokes. It’s not funny, anyways.”   
“Sorry, I really shouldn’t insult your new best friend.”  Jared rolled his eyes. “I’m not in the picture anymore, right?”  
“We-” All the nervousness was starting to melt into anger. “We’ve never been friends, Jared! I’m just an object to you!”   
“Great! Guess I’ll just go find someone else to pay my car insurance, since that’s all I care about. I’m not needed, I guess.” With that, he stormed away.

  
It took all the energy Evan had that morning to stay in place and calm down, which turned out to be the best decision, since a cheery, tall guy dressed up in all black walked up to him.   
“Should I murder Kleinman?” Connor questioned excitedly, and the other boy laughed.   
“It’s better if we don’t go around murdering people, I- I’d say.”   
Connor stroked his non-existent beard, “Fair enough.”   
“Wait-” Evan had noticed something. “You painted your nails black!”   
Both grinned wider. “Yeah! I wanted to see how they looked. It fits!”   
“They- look good on you.”

  
The bell rang, and Evan didn’t know if that was better or worse, as he rushed off, his face red, waving at a beaming Connor and mumbling something about not wanting to be late.   
  
**[08:31] To Little Zoe  
** lil sis holy shit

**[08:31] To Little Zoe** **  
** he said my nails lool good on me

**[08:31] To Little Zoe**   
look*   
  
**[08:32] From Little Zoe** ****  
I’m sure he’d also be very happy if you went to class  
  
**[08:32] To Little Zoe**   
SHIT RIGHT. TY   
  
Connor rushed to class, and thankfully the teacher didn’t mind him being only a few minutes late. Ms. King had been very happy when he’d started showing up in the first place, after all. He thought she wouldn’t be as happy if he didn’t listen during the whole explanation, but he just couldn’t stop thinking about what Evan had said.   
And how those words didn’t feel odd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: I'll post once a week!  
> also me, one (1) day later:  
> Haha, anyways, this website is being a Bad Girl and for some reason it won't let me reply to comments?? So I'm calling out Hanahaki for leaving a very nice comment. Ty <3
> 
> So yeah this chapter was,,, very gay,, very angsty and very fluffy at the same time,,, mmhhh,, I should probably be more professional in my notes but uh?? Whoops.  
> Also I was thinking of doing a Fun Fact Of The Day in the end notes? Because why not. Today's FFOTD is:  
> I painted my nails black! Just like Connor! The fact that they're inspired by my favourite edgy boy helps me not eat them when I'm nervous.   
> Okay I'll go now!!! If I disappear for over a week, the solution is kudos and comments!! <3<3


	3. Will I ever be more than I’ve always been?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan Hansen frankly didn't know anything that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY THIS IS SO LATE AAA  
> And it's not as long as I wanted either??? I'm so sorry I just got kinda frustrated trying to make it long so I just ended it lmao. Hope it's not too abrupt?   
> Anyways trigger warnings for this chap too!! asofisjda  
> -Panic attack  
> -Disassociating  
> Warnings before and after scene just like last time! jsyk these ones basically take up the whole chapter im sorry,, also if there's any trigger warnings ive missed im so sorry!!! and the tw summaries might be a bit weird bc honestly i myself dont know what's important in this chap lmao

Connor watched Evan walk to the exit of the school. The smaller boy was tense, eyes trained to the floor but wide open, as he travelled the hall in short, quick steps.    
“Hey, stop staring at Evan. I get that you’re madly in love, but…” Zoe looked at Connor, a smirk on her face, and the boy just went red.   
“Alright- I’ll go talk to him. Be right back!” The older brother tried his best to sound annoyed, but he couldn’t help but smile at the teasing his sister was putting him through. The same sister who was now trying her hardest not to laugh.   
“Hey Evan!”   
“HeyConnorhowareyou?”   
Connor blinked. “I’m fine, you seem pretty stressed out though? Wanna talk about it?”   
“Nono- it’s just- well, I- I mean-”   
“Hey, take a deep breath, calm down a second. You won’t be able to say anything like this.”   
Evan did as instructed, and he did look a bit better. “What I said this morning was… probably really weird? And um…” He trailed off, still not looking up from the ground.   
“No, God, Evan… I’m really happy that you like how my nails look. Don’t worry- you weren’t weird or… anything.”   
They finally made eye contact, and Evan let out a sigh. “I- I don’t know why I worried about that so much?” He laughed nervously.   
“It’s all fine now, right?”   
“Yeah, it’s… it’s fine now.”   
“Great!”   
“Wonderful!”   
“Lovely!”   
“Amazing!”   
“Fantastic!”   
Evan started laughing first, and soon Connor joined in.   
“What- what was that?”    
“I have no fucking idea- but it was superb.”   
“Superb?”  __   
“Would you prefer magnificent?” Connor grinned.   
Evan was about to answer, but his phone ringing stopped him.   
“Oh- oh God, right, I’ll be late- I’m so sorry, I have to go!”   
“It’s fine. See you around!”   
“Bye!”

 

“How was school, Connor?” Cynthia was reading a book by the oven, where something was cooking.   
“It was good.” Connor offered her a small smile, which was returned, and headed up to his room. Things had only recently begun getting better between him and his mother, and he wasn’t sure he could go through a full conversation with her. So, instead, he turned on his laptop, plugged in his drawing tablet, and drew until dinner.

 

And dinner definitely wasn’t nice.   
“Connor, why’d you paint your nails?” Larry sounded irritated, as he sent an angry look towards his son, before going back to emails.   
“I dunno. Why not?”   
“You should not be behaving this way.”   
“I could say the same.”   
“What- what do you mean you could say the same?!”   
“Well maybe,” Connor stopped playing with his food and looked at Larry. “You should be supportive of my decisions, and not just yell at me for everything I do.”   
“It’s my job to protect you from stupid decisions!”   
“Oh, so now I’m gonna get fucking murdered for having nails?”   
“Don’t-”   
“Don’t swear at the table, no shit, you’re so predictable.”   
Everyone was silent for a beat.   
“Give me your phone.”   
Connor bit his bottom lip, turned off his phone and surrendered. He finished what little food remained on his plate and rushed off to his room.

 

_**TW: Panic attack** _

“If you don’t mind me asking…” Connor and Evan were eating together in the computer lab. “Where were you yesterday at lunch?”   
“I was- uh…” Evan looked at his tangled hands. “Well… I, um-”   
“You don’t have to tell me.”   
The other boy sighed. “Right, right.”   
The silence that followed was uncomfortable. The air seemed to get thicker as Evan searched for another topic to talk about, but what? God, he should’ve just told Connor that he was hiding in a stall. Why did he have to make everything so awkward all the time? Maybe if he’d had friends that lasted more than a week he would know how to  _ talk _ . Wait, how long had it been since he’d started hanging out with Connor? Three days? Was Connor saying something? Had his eyes been open or closed this whole time? He was pretty sure he’d been staring at a white void.   
“Evan? Evan- Can you hear me, Evan?”   
He could, but he couldn’t get himself to answer. He simply looked at Connor, who didn’t seem very pleased with the situation, especially when he looked at something behind Evan- the clock?- and his eyes widened.   
“Uh- Shit- Evan, okay, I’ll put your stuff in your bag, lunch is about to end.”   
“Nono- I’ll- I- I can do it-”   
They looked at each other for a beat, Connor seemed both as relieved as ever and extremely concerned when he murmured an “Okay” before they both started packing their own things.

  
“But- wh-what about classes?”   
“They’re not as important. And your mother understands, right? Now, uh… What was it again? Right- tell me five things you can see.”   
“Um… Y-you, the door, the stalls, the- the sinks, the walls.”   
“Four things you can touch?”   
“My sweater… the floor, my shoes… uh…” Could he really not find four things he could touch? Was he that much of an idiot? He felt his legs sort of give away and instinctively placed a hand on the wall. “Th-the wall.”   
Connor placed his hands on Evan’s shoulders. “Okay. Now three things you can hear.”   
“M-my voice, your voice, people walking o-outside.”   
“Two things you can- wait, there’s not a lot to smell here… Two positive events you can remember?”   
“Hanging out in- in the orchard with you and… a weekend with my mum when she wasn’t at work.”   
“One positive thing about you.”   
“I’m- uh… r-responsible?”

“Alright, alright, now breathe with me. Inhale, one, two, three… Exhale, one two three…”   
  


_**TW: Panic attack - end. Summary: Evan has a panic attack and he and Connor skip the class after lunch.** _

_**TW: Disassociating** _

Sometime around 15:20, Evan finally managed to calm down, which meant he wasn’t freaking out as much about the world feeling unreal. That feeling would probably last a few days, considering his luck. Was he going to act differently around Connor? Would Connor notice and hate him?    
“Evan, you look… oddly tired. Are you sure you don’t want to go home?”   
Evan was silent for a beat, considering the offer. He probably would manage school, but he was indeed tired, though…   
“Evan?”   
He had forgotten to answer. Amazing Friend Evan.   
“Um, yeah- I think I, uh, want to go home…”

“Alright.”

Before he could process it, Evan was turning the keys of his front door and sitting down on the couch that didn’t feel his.   
“So, guess I should go? Or maybe you want me to stay? I don’t know?”   
“Y-you have classe-”   
“Not important.”   
“Right…”   
Connor sat down on the couch next to Evan. “What should we do?”   
Evan felt more like the question should’ve been what they could do.   
“I-I don’t know? Maybe just talking?”   
Wow, Evan Hansen wants to talk?   
“Wow, Evan Hansen wants to talk?”   
The shorter boy tensed immediately, looking even more intensely at the ground. He forced a small laugh. “I-I know, sh-shocking…”

A few awkward moments passed, both thinking about just how much they had ruined the moment, until Evan sighed and broke the toxic silence.   
“Everything just feels… u-unreal right now?” He ran a hand through his hair. “And I’m- I’m like, not even… angry about it u-until it’s done? It’s like I’m just-” What kind of words could even describe what he was feeling? “Scared? Even kinda… di-disappointed, in a way? Like- at myself, for being like this? And-”

Evan quickly placed his hands on his mouth, realising what he'd just said, but then covered his whole face. 

“Oh God- I do-don’t know wh-why I- I'm so sorry- Pleasedon'thatemeConnorI’msuchanidiot-”

“Evan, calm down. I don't hate you- if anything, it was odd that you told me that, since we haven’t known each other for long, but… it's fine, really.”

  
“It’s fine?”   
“It’s fine.”

_**TW: Disassociating - end. Evan disassociates after his panic attack and he goes to his house with Connor.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These notes are getting more and more unprofessional as we go on! wow lmao  
> but um?? a wonderful person mentioned drawing my boys?? and if you do please please please send it to me on my tumblr @tycwi if you can!!!  
> And if anyone else just wants to dm me about anything my tumblr's also there for that!! Tell me random things. Tell me how wine tastes to you. It tastes gross to me, rip  
> Also this chapter's Evan feels really ooc to me??? hhh??? tell me if he is  
> Today's FFOTD is:  
> My full name is Ashton Lavender Alexander Evan Heather Mark Laurens. I've picked them all myself! Feel free to ask why I picked any of them!!! ok now i should go if i dont want half the chapter to be notes lmao


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